Promoting Resilience in Anxious Kids

Childhood anxiety is a common concern these days, and after the pandemic it’s perhaps not surprising—the pandemic disrupted routines, stressed parents, and undoubtedly exacerbated a host of mental challenges for everyone. And, the aftermath of the pandemic has led many parents to overcompensate in easing life for our kids. After what we all went through, who can blame them?

An article in the New York Times earlier this fall captured this, providing a context for parenting strategies that are rooted in love and support. However, parents who want to guide their children to success may fill a child’s day with so many academic and recreational activities that they can come at a cost: diminishing kids’ autonomy and ingenuity to face and overcome predicaments, boredom, and anxiety. 

Giving our kids the time and space to face boredom, try new things, and to fail at times teaches them to cope with disappointment and try again. This is crucial, but can be difficult to impose on parents and kids when so much of our world seems out of our control. But developing this skill and discovering the success and pride of surmounting something on their own is vastly important for the long-term well-being of our children. 

Yet, while we can agree that anxiety can serve an important purpose in developing resilience and keeping us safe and focused, it can also feel overwhelming and debilitating when you’re sitting in it. As adults—parents and teachers alike—we can help our children balance appropriate levels of exploration, independence, and assistance and provide opportunities for them to practice skills to cope and prevail over anxiety.

Symptoms and Strategies to Manage Anxiety at Home

Some anxiety is age-appropriate and manageable. Preschool kids very commonly develop fears of animals, bugs, storms, blood, and darkness, for example. These will usually abate on their own. 

However, anxiety over other matters will often manifest in other symptoms including difficulty concentrating, poor sleep, bad dreams, eating issues, short tempers, and frequent worrying and negativity. 

There are many preventative strategies that can help, and parents may be surprised at how attention to seemingly basic elements can have a big impact:

• Nutrition
• Sleep 
• Relaxation
• Monitored and limited screen time
• Consistent daily routines
• Extracurricular activities that increase confidence

Other Tips to Help at Home

Some well-known behavioral techniques can also be quite helpful during moments of heightened anxiety: 

The 333 Rule grounds us in the present moment with very basic physical awareness. First, look around and name three things you see. Then, listen and name three sounds you hear. Last, move three parts of your body.

The 555 Method focuses on calming the breath and steadying a heartbeat. Breathe in for five seconds, hold your breath for five seconds, and breathe out for five seconds. This simple practice can work wonders at calming the breath and the mind.

Repeat either of these drills until thoughts slow down and you notice some relief. (And while we’re talking about childhood anxiety, these tools are handy for everyone!)

Managing Anxiety, Learning to Tolerate It

Understanding anxiety and how we can use it, manage it, and work around it can be very helpful. Some tips:

1. Don’t try to eliminate anxiety; instead help your child manage it and learn to tolerate it.
2. Don’t avoid things just because they make your child anxious—avoidance might just reinforce it.
3. Express positive but realistic expectations. Build confidence by helping them believe they can handle what is happening.
4. Respect feelings, but don’t empower them. Be empathic and validate while also empowering kids to show they can handle it. Try saying, “I know it’s scary, but I also know you can face it.”
5. Don’t ask leading questions. Consider “How are you feeling?” rather than “Are you nervous about going to the doctor?”
6. Don’t reinforce fears even by accident. We want to avoid any indications that they should be nervous.
7. Encourage tolerating anxiety. Help your child understand that anxiety will almost always decrease in intensity if you sit in it (and practice the 333 Rule or 555 Method, described above).
8. Keep the anticipatory period short. Don’t build up to a stressful experience too long in advance. Consider telling them, for instance, about a doctor appointment today rather than talking about it a week before.  
9. Talk it through. Come up with a plan, a solution to something that might be worrying them. “What if mom is late to pick you up? What might have happened and what can you do?”
10. Model healthy ways of handling anxiety. Show how you manage stress calmly, let them know about something that was challenging, how you handled it, and how well that went.

Embrace Opportunity

If we help our children cope with anxiety early on and help them see anxiety as opportunities rather than challenges, they will be better prepared for what they will encounter as they get older. They will be able to approach unknown experiences—perhaps always with some anxiety and guardedness, but what is important is that they proceed. Caution is fine, but we want them to participate…because the world is more exciting when you are willing to experience it.